I'm so behind on
this challenge. I needed to get going again. I need to feel like I'm
making progress. I need to feel like I'm not dragging my feet.
Which makes the Day
22 subject prompt so engaging right now.
Fear. Maybe all this
dragging my feet is because of fear.
Fear must be what
makes inertia so powerful. Whatever we're doing at one moment is
likely what we'll be doing ten minutes later, or so I've heard.
Although I can attest to this. I've gotten onto the Internet to read
fanfiction, intending to only spend ten minutes and ending up
spending over an hour. And it's mostly stuff I've already read.
It's not like I'm
short on ideas, or things I want to accomplish. But what's the fear
coming from? That's the question I'm warring with myself over.
I've seen myself
start stories and not finish them. Or finish them but fail to edit
them to something I'm willing to share with fellow fanfiction
writers. (And yes, I write fanfiction. I find it a form of therapy,
to work through emotions by putting myself into another's shoes and
experiences. Or sometimes to right what I perceive as the wrong
choice made by the original writer.) Sometimes it's more like I've
allowed life to sweep me away on someone else's plan.
I've allowed my
schedule to be tweaked when I need to be doing things for
professional development, or to see friends. Or go out on dates.
Why do I do this?
Why does anyone?
I'm a huge reader,
and yet even that's a habit I've fallen away from in the past years.
(I think it really hit during college. Something about the prescribed
reading that my auto-didact homeschooler core rebels against, maybe?)
Reading helps me relax, learn, or work through things. So to help me
figure out my fears I've picked up books again.
One, The Art of Asking, has hit a few nerves. It speaks to the artist's troubles,
especially that pressure to GET A JOB. And how much trouble people
have with asking for help. That's definitely the fear of not being
enough, of not being good enough. But to learn that a number of
famous writers needed help from friends and family to create the
works they're best known for? It made the possibility less scary.
That seems to be the
problem. I've been trying to go mostly alone, and I've not given
myself the opportunity or permission to ask for help. Even if I don't
like the idea of asking someone to hold me accountable, maybe that's
the kick in the pants I need to get the life I want off the ground.
Could merely asking
someone to be my accountability partner, and promise to do the same
for them, be enough? Could asking someone to mentor me as I hone my
ability to work from home be what it takes to overcome this rut I
feel stuck in?
If a self-made
singer/songwriter/author can still feel beset by the fear of not
being enough, then maybe it's okay that someone like me feels stuck.
I wonder if she'd
respond to a Tweet...
No comments:
Post a Comment